Losing You
by Divergent338
Summary: He had promised her, promised her that this wouldn't happen, that he would stay safe for her. And now that promise was so much more important than it used to be. Now that she'd discovered just how much she needed him.


**For Kayleigh, this her birthday present! Kayleigh, don't kill me and read the whole thing not just the title. **

**Happy Birthday!**

* * *

This was so different than last time. Last time when a single cup of lime jello was enough to distract her from the head of blond curls lying soundly on the crisp white pillowcase.

Now her eyes were red and teary, and every breath came out as a choking sob. Her face was scrunched into a permanent look of dismay and not God himself tapping on her shoulder could have brought her attention away from the man in front of her.

The same words went through her mind a thousand times a minute. "He's stable. He's out of the woods. He's going to be fine." The words delivered with a friendly, sympathetic smile from the doctor and a solid squeeze of the shoulder from the steady presence of Sam behind her.

But Kensi wouldn't believe those words, _couldn't_ believe them until she saw his eyes open again, until his arms were warmly wrapped around her again.

He was _so_ still, if she couldn't see the constant rise and fall of his chest she might really believe her worst fear had come to life. And he'd come so close, _so damn close_. So close to saying goodbye to the world, saying goodbye _to her_ and becoming nothing more than a painful memory that sent her running to the bottle in a desperation to just forget.

He had promised her, _promised_ her that this wouldn't happen, that he would stay safe for her. And now that promise was so much more important than it used to be. Now that she'd discovered just how much she needed him. Needed him beside her when she woke in the morning, needed his arms around her after a tough op, needed the reassuring sound of him breathing when she woke up in the middle of the night, plagued with nightmares she had sworn had disappeared.

Why had she agreed to his last minute, plan B idea? They'd been targeted while traveling with a witness back to the boatshed and and sought safety in an abandoned supermarket.

Deeks sent her to hide an old office with the crying woman as he covered them and damn her she agreed rather than insisting they find a better plan, telling him she had to have his back because she promised she _always_ would, just like he promised he wouldn't leave her.

"Is that how it goes, huh, Deeks? I broke my promise, so you try and break yours? Well you don't get too! That's not how this works!" She was leaning forward in her flimsy hospital chair, almost yelling at him, hands clenching the armrests so hard her knuckles were turning white.

Every cell in her body started _screaming_ when she heard the gunshots and knew she couldn't hide in that office any longer, acting like she was useless. She'd told the woman to crouch under a desk and left, creeping along a wall to where she heard the shots.

"Deeks!" She'd hissed over and over, dread finding it's way inside her when there was no response.

The worst part was finding him, collapsed on the filthy tile floor, his white shirt stained crimson, lying there like he was already gone, like he had already _left her_. A loud gasp had jumped from her and she ran to him, ignoring all possible threats, until the gunfire that had targeted him became directed to her, and she was forced to hide behind a display, away from him, being able to do nothing to stop the blood pouring out of him.

A well aimed shot took out the man firing at her, they didn't call her BadAss Blye for nothing, but she abandoned protocol to run for Deeks, dropping beside him, and stripping her jacket off her shoulders to press it against his wound.

It didn't do anything, _nothing_ seemed to do _anything_ and all she could do at that moment was call OSP for an ambulance and pray it arrived in time.

Those moments, those moments before she could hear the sirens in the distance were the worst in life. Holding her soaked jacket against his chest, watching a slow trickle of blood spill past his lips and letting the tears in her eyes blur all of that out.

The absolutely _crushing_ fear had diminished some since then, since she knew he was safe, but still lurked, still taunted her with _the possibility_ of losing him, of losing everything they had become since December. And she couldn't, _couldn't_ lose that, couldn't lose _them_.

For far too long it had just been Kensi Blye against the world and then he appeared and destroyed all of her plans and thoughts for her future and she had never been happier about ruined plans before.

They couldn't be more different. They clashed constantly. Fought, bickered, teased. But somehow that's what made them _so damn perfect_ for each other. Somehow the things that should keep them apart bound them together and make them stronger and more beautiful than she ever dreamed possible.

They're so connected, have been since the beginning, immediately picking up on each other's habits, quirks, and mannerisms. Somewhere along the line she realized that she knew everything about him and he knew everything about her, and that didn't scare her, it didn't make her want to run, or hide any remaining secrets. It made her want him to know any remaining secrets, _to know_ all there was to know about Kensi Marie Blye. And he wanted the knowledge as much as she wanted to give it up

When she'd finally admitted to the feelings she had felt for _oh so_ long and let them overtake her, let him know that they had, that day it felt as if a huge weight was lifted off her and for the first time in a long time she could _breath_.

Kensi had never believed in soul mates, or love at first sight, and she still didn't, but somehow she thought if she lost the man on the bed in front of her she'd lose a piece of herself, quite possibly the best piece of herself. And god damn it she couldn't _bear_ losing him, even though she trained herself, trained herself for years to avoid personal connections, avoid getting too involved, stop the pain before it even starts.

But this man, _this damn man_ had crushed all of her ideas and made it too impossible to not fall head over heels in love with him. Because he was there, there with his smiles, jokes, laughter, and sometimes just his presence. And she couldn't stop herself from loving him when he was _always there_.

"Deeks, open your eyes. You hear me? Open your eyes! You don't need a nap now, stop being lazy. Just please open your eyes." She was begging now, and she didn't beg, _ever_. God knows Deeks tried to make her, with confident smirks and well positioned touches of his lips, but she never gave in. Until now.

"God, Deeks." She practically whimpered, taking his chilled hand from the mattress and squeezing warmth back into it. "I'm going get bored and leave. Just go home and stuff myself with rocky road while I watch some Survivor." Her voice cracked and she held his hand tighter, searching desperately for some of his strength, hoping to thrive off of it. "I know you don't want that, but it's not very exciting here. Wake up, keep me occupied so I don't leave." A tear dripped from her cheek to his blankets. "You should really wake up now, Deeks. You really should."

God, if he didn't look so fragile she'd slap him awake and curse him out after she did, just for scaring her _so damn much_. His blood still stained the knees of her jeans and she just knew she'd be throwing them out, because the memories of what had occurred would always make her nauseous when she tried to slide them on.

"Wake up," she murmured again, and tilted her head down onto the bed. "Don't be stubborn, Deeks."

It was a just a flicker, a tiny tickle against her palm, but it was _everything_. His hand squeezed hers back, and his finger rubbed gently over her skin.

"I got shot, you know. I'm supposed to be resting."

"Deeks!" Her head flew up, her hair going everywhere, and a bright light filling her mismatched eyes, and damn him, his eyes were still closed, he still denies her the pleasure of seeing him awake, alert, safe, alive, _with her_.

"You're awake?" It came out as a gasp, and Kensi pushed her hair back behind her eyes.

"I don't know about that, I think I might really be dead this time." His eyes popped open for just a second, then closed swiftly.

"Don't joke about that." The words came out harsher, sterner than she intended and she winced.

"Yeah, I know. Sorry." He opened his eyes fully and looked over at her, before pushing himself up into a semi-sitting position, letting out a pained groan as he did.

"Are you okay?" Kensi rushed to rise, placing a comforting hand on his shoulder, offering him her support.

"Yeah, no. I'm excellent." He grunted, running a hand over the bandage covering his chest. "Just excellent."

"Deeks." She pressed, and she tightened her grip on his shoulder.

"Okay," he relented. "It does sting a bit." His eyes lifted to hers and flashed concern. "Hey, Kens. Are you good?" His thumb rose, and glided along her skin, wiping away stray tears, tears that lingered on her cheeks, evidence of how much she needed him, of how she had _absolutely broken down_ without him.

"I'm good if you're good." She whispered, and grabbed his hand from her face, holding it by her shoulder and interlocking their fingers.

"Okay." His face was filled with a soft smile, laced with pain on the edges and showing something Kensi _didn't dare_ name. "So, uh. Tell me, am I dying or does it just feel like it?"

"You're going to be fine, you big baby." She smirked, resting on the edge of the bed, she brushed the back of her palm across his cheek.

"God," he winced. "I really need to stop getting shot."

"You do," she rebuked. "But you're so annoying I can't really blame them."

"Let's just remember, Princess," he said with a snarky grin. "The only reason this is shooting number two is because somebody decided nearly killing me was the best way to get to you."

"Touchè," she mumbled, fresh tears coating her eyes. "But they were right."

"Kens." Her name was a breath on his lips, a breath filled with regret and worry. "Kens, come here."

She glanced up to see his opened, welcoming arms, waiting to embrace her and comfort her with their soothing warmth.

"No, I don't want to hurt you." She sniffs, resisting the temptation to bury her head in the crook of his neck and just forget about the pain and misery that surrounding them daily, just forget about it for a few moments.

"You won't. Kens, come on." He persisted, stretching a hand across the bed to snatch up hers.

It's the fact that she gave in with so little argument that surprised her, how she lay down on the bed beside him, tucking her head in his shoulder and loosely looping an arm over his waist.

"I was worried for you," she whispered into his skin, because everything was easier to admit when she was wrapped around him. When she couldn't see those clear blue eyes forcing her to spill her secrets, while looking at her like he wanted to give her the world and everything in it.

"I'm sorry about that," he responded, giving her hip a little squeeze. "But we're good now."

"I just - I just." She sighed, frustrated, and propped herself up, looking down at him. "I just want to escape everything for a while."

"What do you - what do you mean?" His eyes narrowed in confusion and he reached up behind his head to adjust his pesky pillows.

"Let's get out of town, Deeks." She begged, and she splayed her hand across his chest.

"I'm not sure the doctors would take fancy to that genius idea, Princess."

"Not today, you idiot!" Kensi had to remind herself at the last second to not punch him. "Just...soon."

"So...a vacation? Just for the two of us?" He questioned and she nodded in confirmation. "I like the sound of that, Kensalina."

"Okay." She said, oddly pleased.

"Okay." He grinned back at her, then grimaced slightly.

"Rest, Deeks." She commanded. "I'm going get some coffee sludge from the cafeteria." She slide off the bed and smoothed back some golden curls from his forehead before pressing a feather light kiss to his sweaty skin.

When she came back twenty minutes later after getting her coffee and making the appropriate calls to Hetty and Callen, letting them know Deeks was okay, she returned to the room to find him completely passed out again.

He didn't wake up when she brushed her lips over his forehead again. And he didn't wake when she nuzzled against his jaw, whispering three words she'd have to find the bravery to say again when he could return them.


End file.
